I created this blog for the soul purpose of making fun of everything and everyone. I don't expect this to become popular and remember that this is only my opinion. So all you people that have completely different views then me... just keep quiet and leave me in peace.
My first target is somebody that has been one of my closest and most dearest arch enemies. Nicolas Cage. Let it be known that he closely resembles Ursula from Disney's Little Mermaid. Both of their hairdos are ridiculous! Nicolas Cage has a macho receeding hairline, which wouldn't be so bad if he would keep is hair short, but no he wouldn't do that. He instead decided to make himself as monstrous as possible and he grew his hair long. So now it just looks like a toupee/wig/bob on the back of his head. So if you see him walking down the street from behind, you would think its a girl, but then from the front you would think its a bald man! It's enough to think that you are going insane by seeing two different people on the same person. You would go mental and run around the street asking people if they see "it" too.
Let us not forget also the crazed facial expressions that both of them make. They are awfully simular in this factor which makes it hard to decide who the most hideous face award should go to. But since Ursula is a cartoon and can do unlimited faces and Nicolas Cage is still up there with her on the crazy faces poll, I think that the Nicolas Cage should win the gold. He could make a 15 year war survivor commander cringe in horror. So you can imagine the reaction of somebody who was not prepared, I won't mention the details for it would be too gruesome.
Of course there is also the singing. Let it be known that Ursula ripped off the "Poor Unfortunate Souls" song from Nicolas Cage and just changed around the lyrics a bit. Here is the one and only original written by our own Nicolas Cage.
CAGE
The only way to get what you want is to become like me.
PERSON
Can you do that?
CAGE
My dear, innocent dumpling. That's what I do. It's what I live for.
To turn fortunate people like yourself into somebody like me.
Poor souls with no one else to turn to.
I admit that I am usually a nasty
They aren't kidding when they call me, well, a troll
But you'll find that sometimes
I can be a tad nice
Happy, Dandy, and not a mole
And I fortunately know a little magic
It's a talent that I havn't always possessed
And dear lady, please don't laugh
'Cause I shall use it on behalf
Of the happy, the joyful, and not depressed
Very fortunate souls
In luck, no needs
This one I will make hairier
That one I will make bigger
And do I help them?
No!
Those very fortunate souls
So bad, they suck
They go running from my cauldron
Crying, "Help, Cage is insane!"
But I Zap them anyways!
Yes I do
Now it's happened once or twice
Someone couldn't pay the price
And I'm afraid I had to rake 'em 'cross the coals
Not even one would complain
Even though I've been a pain
To those very fortunate souls
Have we got a deal?
PERSON
If my face looks like yours, my father and sisters would never look at me again.
CAGE
But you'll be a man, heh heh. Life's full of tough choices, isn't it? Heh heh.
Oh, and there is one more thing.
We haven't discussed the subject of payment.
PERSON
But I don't have-
CAGE
I'm not asking much, just a token really, a trifle!
What I want from you is - your toes.
PERSON
But without my toes, how can I-
CAGE
You'll have my looks, my pretty face.
And don't underestimate the importance of my face, ha!
The men up there love my gorgeous looks
They think a girl who is pretty is a bore!
Yet on land it's much prefered for ladies to look like men
And after all dear, what do you need toes for?
Come on, they're not all that impressed with toes
True gentlemen avoid them when they can
But they dote and swoon and fawn
On a lady with a mans looks
It's she who looks like a man gets a man
Come on you very fortunate soul
Go ahead!
Make your choice!
I'm a very busy "it" and I haven't got all day
It won't cost much
Just your toes!
You very fortunate soul
It's happy and true
If you want to cross the bridge, my sweet
You've got the pay the toll to the troll
Take a gulp and take a breath
And go ahead and sign the scroll
Harrison Ford, Toby Maguire now I've got her, boys
The boss is on a roll
This very fortunate soul
HIGHA GOSHA LUGGA BIER!!
Now, sing!
PERSON
Aah...
Keep singing!
There you have it. Now you have heard the orginal version of poor unfortunate souls which is actually called very fortunate souls. (Just so you know that song was completely just made up and Nicolas Cage didn't actually write that song. But believe me, I took the words right out of his mouth).
